Memoirs of a Midwestern Girl

TFLN

2009-10-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

This shit is hilarious! Compliments of Urmi.

Disturbing, yet funny

2009-10-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

Watch this. (You can thank Terrell for this one.)

Quote of the day

2009-10-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

"Deficiency of faith on your part entails faithlessness on the part of others."
-Tao Teh Ching, # 23

Felicidades to my favorite newlyweds

2009-07-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Livin la vida loca

2009-07-19T20:06:00.001-07:00

Mi hermano's boda

2009-07-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

Chichen Itza

2009-07-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Had a little Family Fun Day at the Mayan ruins. Rained most of the day, but we still managed to have good times.

Quote of the day

2009-06-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

"Come on. Tell me the truth, Frank. Remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is not matter how long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth. They just get better at lying."
-April Wheeler (Kate Winslett), Revolutionary Road

It's official. Living in the burbs with 2.2 kids and a dog is my WORST nightmare!

Dark Dutch

2009-06-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

So, it's kind of a long and arduous story, but I have come to find out that I just might be able to trace my ancestry back to North Africa. Crazy! All I have to say is that I knew there was a little brown girl inside me just dying to get out! Read more here. Clint and I tried to get the scoop from our grandfather, but he didn't know much about it, but more likely than not, since none of us are ridiculously tall, blue-eyed, or blond, (me being the exception to that one, of course) we figured it must be so!

Bird/fish diet

2009-06-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

This will be my new regimen, so as to squeeze into my bridesmaid dress for my brother's upcoming nuptials.
Here's the plan: eat like a bird, drink like a fish.
(Good to know the new job is conducive to this new eating plan.)
I'll let you all know how it works out. Here's to Day 1!

Charlotte's Web

2009-06-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

I swear my house has turned into the set of Arachnophobia. (Which I don't think I ever saw.) I cannot tell you how many dozens of spiders I have killed in the last week. Yes, week, I say! Insane. I actually like spiders, too. Well, maybe not like, but I would rather have a spider infestation, than say roaches. Spiders are our friends, because they eat the other annoying insects. However, when they start biting me in my sleep, that's where I draw the line! Ergo, the murderous rampage. Wish me luck as my killing spree continues.

Varm it

2009-06-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

This is freakin hilarious! This is a friend of the Taj's. (Surprise, surprise.)

I caved

2009-06-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

I finally gave in to Facebook. For business purposes ONLY! (At least that's why I'm justifying it for now!)

An incredible story

2009-06-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant...

An homage to the rents

2009-05-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give a shout out to my parents and wish them a happy anniversary! They've been married for 40 freaking years! Congrats Mom & Pops!

Quote of the day

2009-05-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

"Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance."
-Benjamin Franklin

What can I say, the man knew what he was talking about! That's why I haven't gone with less than 3 glasses of wine a day for the last 3 weeks! God, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job!

Not in my wildest

2009-04-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

did I ever think I would be working here. I found out this morning I was accepted for a position as a wine broker. What that means exactly, I don't totally know, but from when I interviewed, it's pretty much a dream come true. I'm deliriously excited about starting for this company. The benefits and perks, (including my wine allowance!) are unbelievable, and I feel incredibly blessed, lucky, grateful, whatever! It was extremely bittersweet telling my bosses and co-workers today that today was my last day because I start my training on Monday! Insane. I will be very sad to leave them, but will definitely hook them up with a case of vino as soon as I can! I still don't think I've totally wrapped my head around this, but I can't wait to start my new career, learn about wine, and start drinking at 8:30 in the morning for our daily staff meetings! Life is good, once again! Hallelujah, the job hunt is over! More to come as I dive in head first next week!

Farm girl birth control

2009-04-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

My cousin sent me this. Love it!

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
        The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
         Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."
         He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method" After a short delay, he told her that should also work.
         He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
        They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
         Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."
         He asked the second city gal what method d she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."
         He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method.. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"
         She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

Be the change you wish to see in the world

2009-04-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

This Gandhi quote seemed entirely appropriate after hearing a story about one of my bosses and how she chooses to support our local libraries. I guess she heard or read that many libraries will be closing due to lack of interest, activity, or just a general lack of enthusiasm for reading by the American people. So to negate the efforts of possibly closing down any of these fine literacy-promoting institutions, the above mentioned boss has decided to take matters into her own hands. Throughout the week, she goes to various libraries throughout the city, walks around, peruses the aisles, checks out a stack of books, only to then immediately put them into the return slot. She figures any and all activity will ensure the longevity of the libraries. The rest of us in the office had to pick ourselves up off the floor from laughing hystercially. She didn't find this quite as amusing as we did, and didn't understand the peculiarity of it all. Nevertheless, it still made for an entertaining story.

Sam the Cooking Guy

2009-04-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

My celebrity encounter of the day. I guess he's a friend of the family of my boss', and he had to stop in today to pick up a jar of pickles from his ma. Being the not so savvy chef that I am, I didn't really know who he was, so my boss had to enlighten me a bit. We watched a clip of his infamous guest appearance on The Today Show. It's a must watch. And if that wasn't enough for you, catch the follow up; it's even more fabulous and awkward. He was actually super nice in person, very down to earth. I don't blame him for telling them off, because they just wouldn't shut up!

Postcards From Yo Momma

2009-04-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

This site is AWESOME! Prepare to wet yourself.

(God, I love my co-workers.)

One of them

2009-04-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

I went to church yesterday for Easter to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, realizing the last time I attended any sort of religious ceremony was Christmas. The church I used to attend for approximately 8 years of my young adult life used to scoff at the Christmas/Easter, fair-weather Christians. And, now I realize I have become "one of them." It was a harsh reality, but it didn't really phase me. It just made me take a step back, look at where I've been, see how far I've come, and how much farther there is to go. I guess religion and spirituality are a continual quest. I'm definitely not in the fast lane, but I am on the road.

Back to square 1

2009-04-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't get a call back from my dream job today. Guess I'll be hitting the pavement again, or selling my eggs. Wish me luck. Also, I think I'll bet setting up a foundation to pay my rent, so if anyone wants to contribute please feel free. I accept cash, checks, and all major credit cards.

So these 2 lesbians walk into a gay bar...

2009-04-09T18:39:00.001-07:00

Kosher Coke

2009-04-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

God bless the Jews! (I guess they are God's chosen people after all.) Gotta love the real sugar! Check it out here.

The way I see it #59

2009-04-09T10:01:00.001-07:00

This was on my Starbucks cup this am. I can definitely relate.

"Having two older brothers is a healthy reminder that you're always closer to the bottom than you are to the top."
-Andy Roddick

Lesbian ice capades

2009-04-02T17:06:00.001-07:00

Our skating adventure with Dre. Good times.

The Snuggler

2009-03-26T16:42:00.001-07:00

My new boss showed me this at work today. Hilarious. Almost peed myself.

9 to 5

2009-03-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's official! I'm employed! I start on Wed. working here.

Quote of the day

2009-03-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

"Gone is the belief that adulthood is, or ought to be, a time of internal peace and comfort, that growing pains belong only to the young..."
-Lillian Breslow Rubin

Officially broken

2009-03-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can handle this whole unemployment thing much longer, emotionally, physically, financially. So over it!

Here's to green beer

2009-03-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Quote of the day

2009-03-13T10:50:00.001-07:00

From Hols. Very true.

"When all is said and done, more is said than done."

Growing up sucks!

2009-03-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Got this from Carolina...

25 signs you're a grown up:

1.) Your houseplants are alive & you can't smoke any of them.
2.) Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question!
3.) You keep more food than beer in your fridge.
4.) 6 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5.) You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6.) You watch the weather channel.
7.) Your friends marry & divorce instead of hook up & break up.
8.) You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.) Jeans & a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.
10.) You're the one calling the police when those %@$* kids next door won't turn the stereo down.
11.) Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.) You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.) Your car insurance goes down & your car payments go up.
14.) You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15.) Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.) You take naps.
17.) Dinner & a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of a date.
18.) Eating a basket of chicken wings @ 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19.) You go to the drug store for ibuprofen & antacid rather than pregnancy tests & condoms.
20.) A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".
21.) You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22.) "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never gonna drink that much again."
23.) 90% of the time spent in front of the computer is for real work.
24.) You drink @ home to save money before going to a bar.
25.) When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of saying, "Oh, shit, what the hell happened?"

Law of the garbage truck

2009-03-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks takeover their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it!
So, that being said, have a garbage-free day!

The One

2009-03-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

So, I have the best job interview of my life today, and I am determined to get this job! I don't want to jinx it or give away too much, so just say a little prayer, ask Krishna for some help, rub Buddha's belly for me, and put some happy thoughts out to the universe for me! I'll keep you posted!

And Bingo was his Name-o!

2009-02-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

Why didn't I play this today?!

Still huntin wabbits

2009-02-27T10:24:00.000-08:00

The job search continues. Been on several interviews, dropped my resume off to a billion places, and just hoping for the best. Keep your fingers crossed, cause rent's due!

It's official

2009-02-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

I'm filing for unemployment. How's that for a slap in the face from reality? This whole job search has been much more exhausting and draining than I ever anticipated, both physically and emotionally. Not that I thought it would be a walk in the park, but the rejection is unreal. I know, I know, I can't take it personally, but a few other events have contributed to the insurmountable feelings of dismissal by society in general. Sigh. Is it too early to start drinking?

Today's horoscope

2009-02-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

If you're a Libra, this applies to you, too, so pay attention!

Professional shifts prompt your intuition to guide you, so be ready to think on your feet. It is essential to get your private life in order too; energy put into discussing your romantic future can be very productive. Don't let memories of past difficulties influence current expectations. History does not repeat itself unless you let it.

For the 1st time in my life, it actually seems relevant! Got a job interview today, so keep your fingers & toes crossed!

Quote of the day

2009-02-16T12:17:00.000-08:00

"Keep calm and carry on."

This is my new mantra. I saw this poster in Domino.

Modern technology

2009-02-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

Gotta love this. I know Hols will especially appreciate this given her current cable/Internet situation.

God bless my brother!

2009-02-11T16:01:00.000-08:00

This video made me laugh out loud!

Day 3 of the unemployment diaries

2009-02-11T15:58:00.000-08:00

About 8 people have told me to "Keep my chin up." in the last 72 hours. Why? So the rain can hit me square in the face as opposed to rolling down my head? I know, I know, they mean well. I appreciate all the support I'm getting, but am getting a little nervous since I haven't got any replies from anyone about ANYTHING! I know I'm not the only one looking for a job, but good grief! Sigh, guess I'll keep trying to keep my chin up. I at least feel like I have a little bit of direction, though, am hoping to break into the wine business in some way, shape, or form. If you got any connections, send em this way!

Day 1 of the unemployment diaries

2009-02-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

So, today was officially the 1st day of job hunting. I didn't exactly hit the pavement, so to speak, but I applied for several jobs, posted my resume on several job sites, and sat back and said a little prayer. I can't say I enjoyed it, but it can only get better, right? I wasn't overjoyed listening to our new President's speech tonight, but I guess I'm not the only one going through this. At least I don't have a family to support! (or a cat :( I am extremely grateful for all the help I've received from friends and family, though, in throwing my resume into the mix, as well as critiquing it, and just plain being supportive. This just plain sucks, but I know it could be worse. How's that for some grown-up perspective?!

Line forms to the left

2009-02-07T17:27:00.001-08:00

Yes, I'm referring to the unemployment line I'll be standing in on Monday morning. It's official, I've been laid off. Not much else to say, except I'm starting the job hunt and hoping I can pay my rent next month!

The Great Depression

2009-02-05T11:59:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start right now. I'm about to give myself an ulcer, hopefully over nothing, but things aren't looking so bright and shiny in the career department right now. I have a meeting with my boss today, and I'm completely and utterly terrified. Let's hope I'm just being paranoid for no reason. Someone politely pointed out to me this morning that 15,000 people are getting laid off a day in this country right now. (Not sure if that was to comfort me, like I'm not alone, or just shock me into reality.) I feel too young to be so stressed out about all this grown up crap. (Not to mention getting raped by the stock market, and I don't use that term lightly!) If I only make it to 60, I guess I'm right on schedule for my mid-life crisis. I wish I had some inkling as to what I want to do with my life. I'm not exactly saving the world ordering fabric swatches and picking up paint samples. Anyway, just had to vent a little. Gotta go get ready for the big meeting, or Doomsday as I like to refer to it. Wish me luck!

Tequila for my friend

2009-02-04T14:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Hols.

Quote of the day

2009-02-03T17:01:00.000-08:00

"What doesn't kill me does NOT make me stronger. It makes me anxious, bitchy, and vulnerable...but nobody wants to see that embroidered on a pillow."

Foundation of Excellence

2009-01-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

Tentative efforts lead to tentative outcomes.
Therefore, give yourself fully to your endeavors.
Decide to construct your character through excellent actions & determine to pay the price of a worthy goal.
The trials you encounter will introduce you to your strengths.
Remain steadfast, & one day you will build something that endures, something worthy of your potential.
-Epictetys (Roman teacher, philosopher 55 - 135 AD)

Italian phrase of the day

2009-01-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

This is the last of them, and God help me, I think it's by far the best one!

"Ricordati di indossare il casco!"
Translation: Remember to wear the helmet!

Quote of the day

2009-01-22T19:34:00.000-08:00

"Guys need to learn that there are consequences to their actions, that women are people with feelings, not just vaginas that talk."
- Charlie Harper from Two and a Half Men

The Snuggie

2009-01-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

My brother & I saw this infomercial while I was home during Christmas, and almost peed ourselves! So freakin hilarious! Also, click here for a letter from an unsatisfied customer. These things are like a cult uniform! Unreal! I fear for the lives of the children of those who have actually purchased these things.

Blonde on a bus

2009-01-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

You are and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize...

You're listening to your I-pod.

Home for the holidaze

2009-01-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

It was recently brought to my attention that I have not yet posted pictures from my recent trip to the motherland, so here you are!

Big girl decisions

2009-01-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

Sigh. Sometimes it sucks being a grown-up. Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoy the perks, but man, it can be a teensy bit overwhelming at times. I'm sort of stuck in the middle of something, that I believe I have decided to take action on, but am not looking forward to it. This past year, I have been taking online classes to get my TESOL certificate. (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) The whole point of doing this was so I could live abroad. However, as I have been going through the assignments, creating lesson plans, reading the materials, I find it harder and harder to imagine myself actually being a teacher with a classroom full of students. So my big dilemma was, should I thug it out and finish it anyway, or am I just wasting my time? Anyway, after much deliberation, I have decided just to keep plugging away, finish the course, and chalk it up to experience, and maybe I'll use it later. Better than to not complete it and wish I had. It's just that much more tortuous going through the motions, knowing it's not in my future vision at this point. Oh, well. I guess it's sort of like that geology class you have to take in college. You know you'll never use it, but you have to finish the prerequisites. Wish me luck, and let's hope I can finish it before 2012!

Quote of the day

2009-01-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

"Nothing really worth having is easy to get. The hard-fought battles, the goals won with sacrifice, are the ones that matter."

Mr. & Mrs. Phelps

2009-01-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

I believe congratulations are in order for the happy couple.

Welcome to 2009

2009-01-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

Good times were had by all. Nuf said.

Happy New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T10:59:00.000-08:00

In Italy, there are several traditions meant to bring wealth & happiness in the New Year. One should wear something red, (I had heard underwear in particular in some cultures!) something new, & kiss someone under the mistletoe, along with eating a lot of lentils. Interesting. Well, hopefully I'll get to kiss someone, & I will definitely be wearing something red!

Ninja cat

2008-12-30T16:57:00.001-08:00

This is hilarious! Thanks, Hols! Makes me miss my gato, though. :(

God, I love youtube!

2008-12-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

Stephers showed me this video, and I almost pee myself every time!

Quote of the day

2008-12-29T15:29:00.000-08:00

"Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat."
- David Sedaris, excerpt from his book
Dress Your Family in Corduroy & Denim

Lucky Charms & Coke

2008-12-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

Breakfast of champions! Getting ready to head back to Diego. Sad to say goodbye to the Luce. (And the fam, of course.) Sigh. Will post pics soon...

Feliz navidad!

2008-12-25T08:14:00.000-08:00

Buenos dias from the corn fields! At this very moment it is exactly 8 degrees outside. Not 80, but 8! (And that's Fahrenheit, not Celsius!) I'm enjoying my instant cappuccino, (as much as possible, that is. God help me, I'd give my right arm for a Bucks right now!) and just waiting to go to my Auntie's for dinner this afternoon. The whole fam damily will be there so it should be good times. I'm sure there will be some construction of some sort of gingerbread device to keep the kiddies entertained. (Yes, I'm still in that category.) I wanted to badly to build a snowman yesterday, but it's too freakin cold! The snow doesn't stick at this temperature, so hopefully it'll warm up a little this weekend and I can coerce my dear brother to help me build Frosty's long-lost cousin. The gatos are getting along quite well. (Clint brought his 1 cats, too. Yes, he is THAT guy.) The Luce was a rock star on the plane and is slowly adjusting to her new casa. I think she'll be A-OK. I know I'll miss her, but she is in a better place! (That's what I keep telling myself. I swear I'm like an unwed teenage mother giving up her baby for adoption, telling herself, they'll have a better life.) Sigh. Anyway, that's all I got for now. Buon natale!

White Christmas here I come!

2008-12-19T18:28:00.000-08:00

I spoke with my mama this am, and she told me they got 10 inches of snow last night! Holy crap! I can't wait to make snow angels, drink hot chocolate, and roast chestnuts on the open fire! (Ok, we don't really roast chestnuts, but it seemed appropriate to add to the list.) Anyway, hope you all have a happy X-mas!

Slumdog Millionaire

2008-12-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

Saw this movie last weekend. Freakin awesome!

Italian phrase of the day

2008-12-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

"Mi sono chiuso fuori."
Translation: I locked myself out!

(I've had to use this one in Spanish before!)

Men

2008-12-15T13:02:00.000-08:00

These are hilarious! Thanks, Auntie!

1. Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like chocolate. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like department stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like government bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like lava lamp. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Pets on a plane

2008-12-12T16:29:00.001-08:00

Yes, I am going to be THAT girl bringing her cat on the plane. After much agonizing thought, I have decided to take the gato to live with my parents, permanently. I'm quite sad about giving up the Luce, but I feel it is best. She is going to a bigger and better place! I will miss her terribly, and am totally dreading this flight with her, but in the end I think it will all work out for the best. It was a pain in the you know what finding a carrier that was just the right size, and of course it has to be pink. Lord, help me. I'm surrenedered to the fact that it will be a miserable plane ride, both of us petrified, anxiously awaiting our arrival at my parent's house where we can kick back, have some egg nog and relax! Wish me luck!

Quote of the day

2008-12-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

"Just because the economy is in recession, doesn't mean your sex life has to be."
- Ryan Poland

Finally getting into the holiday spirit

2008-12-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to get a tree this year, since I'll be in Iowa for X-mas, because there's nothing more depressing to me than coming home after the holidays and having to disassemble a tree and other miscellaneous decorations. Also, I'm totally broke, so adding another pine tree to the g-rent's back yard didn't totally seem necessary. Anyway, when I got home from yoga the other night, there was a wreath on my front stoop from one of the companies my design firm works with. I was deliriously excited! I felt even more inspired watching a Charlie Brown Christmas and even put some ornaments on it! It's the poor girl's Christmas tree! I hung a stocking for myself & the Luce on my heater, and put on my new Happy Hollidaze mixed tape, and relished in the birth of Christ. (Ok, I'm getting a little carried away, but you get the idea.) So, say a little prayer that I'll be enjoying a white Christmas!

Just keep swimming

2008-12-10T14:43:00.000-08:00

Not so hot here, are we Mr. Phelps!

Italian phrase of the day

2008-12-10T09:48:00.001-08:00

"La domenica canto in un coro."
Translation: On Sundays I sing in a choir.

I don't think I'll be needing this one...

Quote of the day

2008-12-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

"I'd be great at yoga, except for the stretching."
- Holli Poland

(Sorry, Hols, I couldn't resist!)

Important lessons

2008-12-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
P00f! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who poos on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the poo is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Thanks for the lessons, Robin!

Eggnog lattes make me happy

2008-12-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

They are my only source of joy right now and that's all I have to say about that.

Quote of the day

2008-12-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

"Just because you've lived long doesn't mean you've longed to live."
- Nikki Sixx (excerpt from his book The Heroin Diaries)

Italian phrase of the day

2008-12-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

"Ti prego di non prederla personalmente."
Translation: I beg you not to make it personally.

I imagine this will come in handy someday...

Mexico pics

2008-12-01T16:48:00.001-08:00

Back from the Cun

2008-11-23T19:57:00.001-08:00

Home safe & sound. Will post pics soon...

Livin la vida loca!

2008-11-16T07:58:00.000-08:00

Just giving you all a quick update, we're still alive. (For all 3 of my faithful readers out there!( Hols and I are having a fantabulous time! It is so gorgeous here and the hospitality it incredible! Mojitos in the pool, margaritas in the jacuzzi, champagne upon our arrival, I gotta say it doesn't get much better than this. It's a little windy today, so I think we're gonna get our retail therapy on. Will post pics when we return! Hasta la vista, baby!

Adios, amigos!

2008-11-12T12:44:00.000-08:00

In the midst of getting all my work done today, I am attempting to pack for my next vacay: Cancun! It's my first time on that side of Mexico, and I am deliriously excited! I'm going with Holli, our first trip together. (Let's hope we both make it back alive! Kidding, of course.) We're staying at an all-inclusive resort, that doesn't allow children! Is that awesome, or what?! I can't wait to get out of Dodge! It has been a crazy week, as they always are before one goes on vacation, and I am absolutely ready for a big fat margarita on the beach! Salud!

Quote of the day

2008-11-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

"If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done."
-Ludwig Wittgenstein, Austrian philosopher (1889 - 1951)

Italian phrase of the day

2008-11-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

"Che barba!"
Translation: How boring! (Literally: What a beard!)

Just thought this one was amusing.

Mouseketeers

2008-11-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Random evening last week. It's about midnight and I get a call from my neighbor saying there is a box of mice on my doorstep. Like a little Petco Happy Meal for a snake. (I do not miss those days of feeding Penelope.) Anyway, I came home to check it out, and sure enough there was a box with 2 more rat-seeming creatures. I set them free and the little suckers hopped into the planter in my front yard. At this point, it's 1 am, I'm standing in my front yard with a dust pan, in heels, mind you, trying to chase these little rodents into the street or anywhere but in front of my door. Finally I gave up, leaving them to their possible demise by the neighborhood cats. At one point one mouse was huddled on my neighbor's stoop, with the local tom cat just staring at it. This is why we should not domesticate animals! The cat didn't know to pounce and the rat didn't know to run! Insane.

Breaking up is hard to do

2008-11-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

It's official. I have broken up with my therapist. I think I've been ready for a while now, but finally did it today. I'm ready to be a big girl and move on. She has been crucial in all the leaps and bounds I've made in the last year or so, but I'm ready to fly the coop.

I heart Madonna!

2008-11-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

This was seriously the BEST CONCERT EVER! I would almost call is a religious experience. Hols & I had so much fun! The performance was amazing, the music was fabulous as always, & we had incredible seats! (Of course we meandered our way through the crowd, too, and managed to be about 5 rows back!) So awesome!

Quote of the day

2008-11-03T13:34:00.001-08:00

"I hold the value of life is to improve one's condition."
- Abraham Lincoln

Ah the neverending process...

Italian phrase of the day

2008-10-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

"Vorrei offrirti una cena a lume di candela."
Translation: I'd like to treat you to a candle-light dinner.

I better have this one memorized.

Quote of the day

2008-10-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

"Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes run to the next window - or break down a door."
- Brooke Shields

Quote of the day

2008-10-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

This is now on my fridge, compliments of Carolina.

"Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of life."
-William Feather

Foreign soil

2008-10-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? Some would say the beginning, but I don't think I have to go back quite that far. I tend to have these revelations once a month or so, (God, does everything have to be on a monthly cycle for chicks or what?!) and here is my latest.
As I am out and about in the "dating" scene again, I realize I am in very unfamiliar territory, to say the very least. I'm trying to just roll with it, which is a most helpful attitude when traveling abroad, because you never know just what will come up, or how you may have to adjust, or how fast you'll have to run to catch that train/plane/bus you're about to miss!
You must remember your passport, hopefully you're able to utter a sentence or 2 in the native language, and may the Lord help you if you don't have the proper immunizations before you set foot on land! At best, I think I've got my passport, and can at least say "thank you".
Ok, I realize I'm rambling a bit here, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel very unprepared, awkward, out of place, and a bit jet-lagged when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex these days. Like part of me just wants to take a cab to the Embassy and call it a day. I'm ready to go home, as far away as that may be. In this case, though, there isn't really a home, which makes it all the more complicated and frustrating. Sigh. This is all so much work. I'm exhausted just writing about it all. Anyway, I guess the only way to learn, as my brief time abroad in college would attest to, is by full immersion. I know I'm going to make mistakes, whether that be asking for a gin & tonic, instead of a vodka soda, using my chopsticks improperly, or taking a wrong turn and ending up in the fish market, BUT I'll still be ok. I'll find my way eventually and make it back on the boat/train/plane that I'm supposed to be on and get home one way or another, wherever that may be.
And the moral of the story, or this muddled analogy is, "Live & learn." (And don't forget your passport & maybe a flask for the flight!)

Banana phone

2008-10-21T16:48:00.001-07:00

Thanks, Urmi! So much history here!
Hopefully this will warrant a chuckle or 2.

Quote of the day

2008-10-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

Now a magnet on my refrigerator, compliments of Hollister.

"If I had my life to live over again I would make the same mistakes only sooner."
-Tallulah Bankhead

Drunken punkin

2008-10-14T15:56:00.001-07:00

Got this from Robin.

Crape

2008-10-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

So I live off Grape St. near downtown San Diego. While I was driving home yesterday afternoon, I noticed one of the signs, said Crape. Like the little line off the G had worn off or something. For some reason this was THE funniest thing in the world to me. At first I thought it looked like crepe, then it occurred to me a new phonetic spelling of crappy. Get it? Crap-E. God, I'm easily amused.

Italian phrase of the day

2008-10-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

"Avete un cocktail analcolico?"
Translation: Do you have a cocktail without alcohol?

I KNOW I won't be needing this phrase!

Disorder in the court

2008-10-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

Got this from Alicia. Try not to pee your pants.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it ?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

My Great Confession

2008-09-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

So, it was the g- rent's 58th anniversary today. Crazy, right? So my mom and I took them out to eat. I was CRAVING fish tacos, (It has been my new staple this summer.) and I was going to have them before I even looked at the menu. As luck would have it, the fish of the aforementioned fish tacos, varies every day. What do I find out the fish is after I have ordered? IT'S SHARK! Yes, I am ashamed to admit, I ate shark tacos today. I would of course have preferred to eat a less endangered sea creature, but it is what it is. What can ya do? Sigh. So, I just had to put it out there. Please don't rebuke me, I've been hard enough on myself already. (Hopefully Ryan doesn't read this!) And if you're a member of PETA, at least I'm not wearing a fur coat, dammit!